Miscarriage

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I don’t know where to even start this post. Like most of my posts, I’ve written it and rewritten it in my head a thousand times.  I haven’t even posted in such a long time because M keeps me happier and busier than I ever thought a child could keep me.  But this is my therapy.  I can write all the stuff rattling in my head, and if helps one person or even just myself, I feel like I have done my job…

Early in January we were surprised by a positive pregnancy test. With all the stuff that we had done to have M, and after having her trying to get pregnant again, we were shocked again when it actually happened a second time.  After the initial shock wore off, the glee of being pregnant kicked in.  We told family and close friends and started to get used to being a family of 4.  Mid-January on a Friday, I started not feeling well and started some small complications.  After calling the doctors, I was told to relax and just keep an eye on it.  And I did, for almost 4 weeks.  I’m not shortening the story here, but it was a long 4 weeks of ups and downs.  Of doctors and nurses telling us not to worry, of more and more complications, and then sonograms of seeing the heartbeat, of more and more complications, and doctors telling me I was miscarrying, to seeing the heartbeat again, to eventually miscarrying on February 9th.  It was awful, it was physically and mentally painful, and it was tiring.  Oh so tiring.  My brain hurt, my body hurt, and my heart hurt.  With that said, I can not imagine the pain that a miscarriage causes if you don’t already have a child.  I have said it before and will say it a thousand more times.  We were blessed with M.

Oh, and did I mention it happened again within 3 months? This time much sooner in the process, but it still happened.  I had that positive pregnancy test, and then complications, and then the negative test.  And again I’m tired.  And again I hurt.  And this time I didn’t deal with it probably the way that I should.  I haven’t taken time to grieve.  I haven’t taken a day to myself.  And I will, in time.

Dan and I haven’t talked about having more kids at this point. We have danced around it, but he hurts too.  We were blessed with M and she is our world.  That’s all we need to know right now.  The rest will be as it is, and we will be okay.

I’m back…

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I started this blog a thousand times in my head and I could come up with a thousand excuses as why haven’t been blogging for the past two months. To be honest, I needed a break. Mentally. From all things that I felt I “needed” to do. We spent a lot of time in January skiing and spending time with our little family. And relaxing. After all the running of the holidays, it was much needed. Especially when I knew what was coming up.

Last November we started the process to start using the last embryo from the IVF treatments (I talked about them a bit here) we did before we had M. I had to go through all the testing again and even had some of the results come back badly and required further testing. However, when it all came down to it they told me I was fine and everything was more than okay to try to use our final frozen embryo. Due to many factors we decided to wait until late January/early February to start the process. So I started daily meds in February and we began our journey. I continued doing testing and added more my meds throughout the month. Everything was going as planned. The embryo thawed successfully and started growing as it was supposed to. I had acupuncture before and after the transfer because we wanted to give this embryo every chance we could. I rested like I was supposed to for the next 48 hours and didn’t lift M for the next two weeks.   I was the perfect patient. I will admit, starting in the middle of the second week I started taking pregnancy tests. They were all coming back negative, but I was still positive and looking forward to the next day hoping that the results would change. My monthly friend never showed up and even though the test kept coming back negative I hoped and prayed when I went in for my blood test it would come back positive. I tried to remember that with Maddy my hCG levels were lower than they would normally be at first, but still had a pretty healthy pregnancy with her.

I try to keep most of my hard-core complaining to my blog and let Facebook for the whining about traffic, tough workdays, colds and stupid whining. Not that I won’t post this on my page because I will, but if you don’t want to read my story…don’t click. During this whole process I prayed to God, at times I felt frustrated with God, and even once or twice tried to bargain with him…sometimes all within the same day. I asked friends and family to pray, cross fingers, or talk to whoever they believe in.

A lot of friends and family have asked what is our next step…Will we try again with the doctors…will we keep trying on our own…would we adopt…or will we just move on? I felt a loss with this one, more than the two failed IVFs before M. It’s a lot of money, stress, and takes a toll on my physical and mental state. I’m pretty sure that why I currently have a horrible cold. My body has said enough. I will say I’m tired of “babysitting” my monthly schedule. We were so very blessed with one beautiful healthy sweet little girl, so who knows what’s meant to be. I was an only child and I turned out semi-okay right? (No comments from the peanut gallery!) I want to enjoy my family and let what may be, may be.

Again, I know we were blessed. We have one. It hurts my heart to know there are others out there with no children and that they want them badly but can’t have children, have had miscarriages, have gone through what we went through, or other similar situations.

I promise to try to keep future blogs little more up-to-date and a little bit more upbeat. Facebook/WordPress keeps making changes that makes updating my page not as easy from my phone but I will try to do better…promise.

Loss