I don’t know where to even start this post. Like most of my posts, I’ve written it and rewritten it in my head a thousand times.  I haven’t even posted in such a long time because M keeps me happier and busier than I ever thought a child could keep me.  But this is my therapy.  I can write all the stuff rattling in my head, and if helps one person or even just myself, I feel like I have done my job…

Early in January we were surprised by a positive pregnancy test. With all the stuff that we had done to have M, and after having her trying to get pregnant again, we were shocked again when it actually happened a second time.  After the initial shock wore off, the glee of being pregnant kicked in.  We told family and close friends and started to get used to being a family of 4.  Mid-January on a Friday, I started not feeling well and started some small complications.  After calling the doctors, I was told to relax and just keep an eye on it.  And I did, for almost 4 weeks.  I’m not shortening the story here, but it was a long 4 weeks of ups and downs.  Of doctors and nurses telling us not to worry, of more and more complications, and then sonograms of seeing the heartbeat, of more and more complications, and doctors telling me I was miscarrying, to seeing the heartbeat again, to eventually miscarrying on February 9th.  It was awful, it was physically and mentally painful, and it was tiring.  Oh so tiring.  My brain hurt, my body hurt, and my heart hurt.  With that said, I can not imagine the pain that a miscarriage causes if you don’t already have a child.  I have said it before and will say it a thousand more times.  We were blessed with M.

Oh, and did I mention it happened again within 3 months? This time much sooner in the process, but it still happened.  I had that positive pregnancy test, and then complications, and then the negative test.  And again I’m tired.  And again I hurt.  And this time I didn’t deal with it probably the way that I should.  I haven’t taken time to grieve.  I haven’t taken a day to myself.  And I will, in time.

Dan and I haven’t talked about having more kids at this point. We have danced around it, but he hurts too.  We were blessed with M and she is our world.  That’s all we need to know right now.  The rest will be as it is, and we will be okay.